For the New-York Magazine.
Messrs Editors:
You may publish the following copy of an Advertisement I lately met with in my sojournings.
R--.
UNIVERSAL HOSPITAL
The subscriber, with whose education no pains has been spared -
who has the whole works of Duns Scotus, Jacob Behmen, and Dr. Sangrado
by heart - has long been an adept in the almost-forgotten,
never-enough-to-be-applauded, golden science of astrology - who has analyzed
the Garcina Mangostana under the burning rays of a vertical sun,
examined the winteranea aromatica upon the cliffs on which it grew
within twenty degrees of the frozen pole, and from the gloomy caverns of Derbyshire
surprised the world with the inestimable, miraculous, terra ponderosa -
who, in pursuit of an Arabian nostrum among the ruins of Palmyra,
was upon the brink of suffering an excruciating impalement as a spy -
has investigated every university in Europe - was personally
acquainted with Hannah Stevens, negro Caesar, and Dr. Yeldal - and, at
this moment corresponds with all the benevolent dames in North-America -
who knew the difference between motherworth and old man's pepper, has erected
a superb edifice for the purposes of an universal hospital; where,
besides eradicating the host of maladies which human frames are heirs to, he effects
cures for mental disorders in a manner not less wonderful than perfectfully
efficacious.
To induce the public not to consider him in the light of a pompous
pretender, he particularizes, in a few examples, his method of performing
cures of infirm minds: for instance, if a young lady, deeply
in love, applies for relief, he takes three or four sighs, warm from
her heart, melts them in a soft pomatum gallipot, with a little rosin
scraped from a violin and virgin wax, makes the whole into a salve;
a small plaister of which, put upon the tip of her tongue, will extract
all the venom from her bosom, and cause it to evaporate in colloquial
nonsence.
Coquetry he relieves by a process diametrically opposite to the
aforegoing; by taking a few energetic declarations immediately as they
fall from the lips, and forging them into the form of a magnet: this
he applys under the stays next her heart - sympathy does the rest.
The prude is cured by simply bringing her mouth into contact with
that of a coquette when the latter is above mediocrity in her
character: this process is called in Cochin-China, inbibition.
Pride, in men or women, is eradicated, by mixing half a dozen
whistles of the humility, (a meek little bird of the snipe kind) with
an ounce of the honey of the humble bee, and cramming a pellet of it in
each nostril, when in their haughtiest distension.
If a husband is morose, the kindest expostulations of his wife
must be tied up in a small blue silk bag, and kept warm in his bosom;
if he is jealous, he must take three scruples of Shakespeare's Othello,
reduced to an impalpable powder, and diet himself and spouse upon
oat-meal gruel: if he is hen-peck'd, he may live a fortnight upon
soup made of the hearts of Bantam cocks, and read Catherine and Petruchio
twice every day.
He compels inconstant swains to employ themselves without the least
intermission in building cages for turtle-doves; and nymphs afflicted
with the same malady, to sit and look on the whole time.
That the under-written is exceedingly modest (although by his above
professions, some might be led to suppose the contrary) appears by his
openly declaring, that, bending as he is under the pressure of experimental
and theoretical information, yet, he knows of no medicament that
will operate upon a shrew; he has distilled every plant of every name -
examined the whole kingdome of metals, ores, and fossils, and put every
element to the torture for this purpose, but all in vain.
His pay is the satisfaction resulting from his agency in
lightening some of the burdens incident to humanity, and eradicating a few of
the thorns which but too plentifully spring up and mar the path of
earth's poor pilgrims.
WIZARD.
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