The subscriber, with whose education no pains has been spared-- who has
the whole works of Duns Scotus, Jacob Behmen, and Dr. Sangrado by
heart--has long been an adept in the almost-forgotten,
never-enough-to-be-applauded, golden science of astrology--who has
analyzed the Garcina Mangostana under the vertical rays of a tropical sun,
examined the winteranea aromatica upon the cliffs on which it grew within
twenty degrees of the frozen pole, and from the gloomy caverns of
Derbyshire surprised the world with the inestimable, miraculous terra
ponderosa -- who, in pursuit of an Arabian nostrum among the ruins of
Palmyra, was upon the brink of suffering an excruciating impalement as a
spy -- has investigated every university in Europe -- was personally
acquainted with Hannah Stevens, negro Caesar, and Dr. Yeldal -- and, at this
moment corresponds with all the benevolent dames in America -- who knew
the difference between motherworth and old man's pepper, has erected a
superb edifice for the purposes of an universal hospital; where, besides
eradicating the host of maladies which human frames are heirs to, he effects
cures for mental disorders in a manner not less wonderful than perfectfully
efficacious.
To induce the public not to consider him in the light of a pompous pretender,
he particularizes, in a few examples, his method of performing cures of
inform minds: for instance, if a young lady, deeply in love, applies for relief,
he takes three or four sighs, warm from her heart, melts them in a soft
pomatum gallipot, with a little rosin scraped from a violin and virgin wax,
makes the whole into a salve; a small plaister of which, put upon the tip of
her tongue, will extract all the venom from her bosom, and cause it to
evaporate in colloquial nonsence.
Universal Hospital
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SOME time in September last, a female black servant child,
between three and four years of age, and belonging to Samuel
Verplank, Esq; of Fishkill, in Dutchess county, by some means
unperceived by the family, fell into a well, wherein the water
was deeper than the height of the child. Although the exact
time when the accident happened cannot be ascertained, yet,
from a number of circumstances it was generally agreed, that
she was at least an hour under water. Upon being taken out,
her skin was discolored -- the joints rigid -- the abdomen
inflated, and in short, the representation of death was
complete. Notwithstanding this combination of unfavourable
appearances, Mr. Verplank's philanthropy impelled him to
endeavour to re-illume the lamp of life. His long residence in
Europe had made him acquainted with some of the methods
which had been practiced there with success. He ordered a
blanket to be spread before a fire, on which the child was laid,
stripped of its clothes, and directed it to be rubbed with warm
flannel on every part, and at the same time, tobacco smoke to
be injected up its nostrils; in which operation a full paper was
consumed.
These humane offices were continued without the least
intermission during two hours; when, upon a fresh injection of
smoke up its nose, it faintly turned aside its head, as if with
disgust: the symptoms of returning animation grew more and
more apparent, and a physician at that instant arriving, and
administering proper additional restoratives, the child was able
before night to walk, and after the repose of a night, enjoyed
perfect health.
Recovery in a Child
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